To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
