i need an iv and a liver transplant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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