I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
