dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
