You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
