Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
