At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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