I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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