Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
