thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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