I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
