Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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