I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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