I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My cat gives me a boner
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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