I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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