Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
