im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
