I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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