I smell stomach acid.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
