im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
