I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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