I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
