if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
