I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
