Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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