just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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