At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
