how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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