mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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