well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Houston, we have a blender
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
