If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
