I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
