Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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