there's paper in my vomit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
