that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
