I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
