How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
