we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
