If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
