she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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