She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
