My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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