I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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