my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
