I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize