Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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