I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize