Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
