we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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