This is not my ceiling
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize