I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
