I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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