Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
