I faked an abortion last night.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
