if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
